Trying to let go
Jun. 30th, 2006 08:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rjlonaThis is Victor.
Victor Myatt was a good friend of mine when I was younger. He was the first person to talk to me on my first day at geek school in the fifth grade, and though he was the quintessential nerd (bad clothes, elastic strap on his glasses, scifi geek, science geek, just general geek) he was one of my favorite people. I wasn't as nice to him in junior high as I could have been, but then, who's nice to anyone in junior high? He went on to a private high school for the ueber-smart (Roeper Academy) but we stayed in touch now and then.
This time of year is always tough for me, because of him. The summer between high school and college we spent more time together than we had in a long time. We spent a perfect Fourth of July together; we had a picnic at Cranbrook, hung out in Royal Oak, watched some fireworks somewhere. It's just one of those days that will live in my memory with a rosy golden glow. Ever since then, I have always thought of him around the Fourth of July. We stayed in touch for part of our college years, then we lost contact.
His parents live on a street I often drive down when I'm home in Ferndale. I always looked at their house and thought, "I should get back in touch with Victor one of these days. I know where his parents live, I can ask them." I never did.
Victor died three years ago today. I don't know why. I didn't find out about it until the morning of the funeral, and I didn't have enough time to drive across the state to be there on time. I'm still hurt that I wasn't able to be there. I didn't read the obituary, either, but someone told me all it said was that he died at home. I don't want to upset his parents by asking them what happened, and I don't have anyone else to ask.
I took this picture in sixth grade, when our geek class studied photography and published our own yearbook. Even before he died, this is how I've always remembered Victor, with arms wide open going down that slide. I found this picture again when my folks and I were cleaning out our basement this winter; I'd been looking for it for a long time.
The most upsetting part is that I occasionally have dreams where he's still alive. In the dreams I run into him somewhere on the street (usually in Ann Arbor; he went to UM) and it turns out that the obituary was for someone else and I've been wrong all this time. It's only a dream.
I don't know why this is still so hard for me. We hadn't been close for years, but I always meant to get back in touch. He's also the first friend I've had who died. Ever since then I've been afraid to lose contact with any of my friends, in case they die and I can never hear from them again. I know that friendships change, as people change, and sometimes you just have to let go. But I can't. I'm afraid that if I let them go, I'll lose them forever.
Well, thanks for letting me ramble on and on about someone none of you know (and never will). This has been weighing on me more than usual this year, I think because I moved back home. I just needed to talk about Victor for a bit. Thanks for listening.
Victor Myatt was a good friend of mine when I was younger. He was the first person to talk to me on my first day at geek school in the fifth grade, and though he was the quintessential nerd (bad clothes, elastic strap on his glasses, scifi geek, science geek, just general geek) he was one of my favorite people. I wasn't as nice to him in junior high as I could have been, but then, who's nice to anyone in junior high? He went on to a private high school for the ueber-smart (Roeper Academy) but we stayed in touch now and then.
This time of year is always tough for me, because of him. The summer between high school and college we spent more time together than we had in a long time. We spent a perfect Fourth of July together; we had a picnic at Cranbrook, hung out in Royal Oak, watched some fireworks somewhere. It's just one of those days that will live in my memory with a rosy golden glow. Ever since then, I have always thought of him around the Fourth of July. We stayed in touch for part of our college years, then we lost contact.
His parents live on a street I often drive down when I'm home in Ferndale. I always looked at their house and thought, "I should get back in touch with Victor one of these days. I know where his parents live, I can ask them." I never did.
Victor died three years ago today. I don't know why. I didn't find out about it until the morning of the funeral, and I didn't have enough time to drive across the state to be there on time. I'm still hurt that I wasn't able to be there. I didn't read the obituary, either, but someone told me all it said was that he died at home. I don't want to upset his parents by asking them what happened, and I don't have anyone else to ask.
I took this picture in sixth grade, when our geek class studied photography and published our own yearbook. Even before he died, this is how I've always remembered Victor, with arms wide open going down that slide. I found this picture again when my folks and I were cleaning out our basement this winter; I'd been looking for it for a long time.
The most upsetting part is that I occasionally have dreams where he's still alive. In the dreams I run into him somewhere on the street (usually in Ann Arbor; he went to UM) and it turns out that the obituary was for someone else and I've been wrong all this time. It's only a dream.
I don't know why this is still so hard for me. We hadn't been close for years, but I always meant to get back in touch. He's also the first friend I've had who died. Ever since then I've been afraid to lose contact with any of my friends, in case they die and I can never hear from them again. I know that friendships change, as people change, and sometimes you just have to let go. But I can't. I'm afraid that if I let them go, I'll lose them forever.
Well, thanks for letting me ramble on and on about someone none of you know (and never will). This has been weighing on me more than usual this year, I think because I moved back home. I just needed to talk about Victor for a bit. Thanks for listening.
